I feel like I’m trying incredibly hard to hang on right now. Not to any one thing in particular, but to the place I’m in. The people. The me.
People think I’m odd for this, that I’m running in circles with my reasoning. I can see that in their eyes. But to me, this is my brain. This is who I am. The girl who thinks. And the girl who sees everything that she is about to be leaving behind.
See, the thing about me is that I take everything very seriously. If you tell me to write a ten page paper, you’ll get fifteen. Ask me to grade one assignment, I’ll grade them all. I just want to be my best at things, to give my best work and my best time. I don’t know how to operate at less. This is precisely how I got into trouble in my marriage. I’ll admit it. I’m a total codependent. I need people. I don’t LIKE people all the time. But I need them. So, in that respect, when I find a relationship I value it is hard for me to let it go. But that’s exactly what I have to do. Grad school means I will roll the dice on my future and do whatever they tell me to do. That’s scary, because this is the most “okay” I’ve been in years.
All things considered, I would call that pretty good. I want to stay this way.
The thing is though…My life has always been a quest for approval. And while I thought I was looking for it from someone else, what I really needed all along was to get it from myself. And here, in this place, I have it. I won’t admit that, not readily. But I have it. And I don’t know how to let that go.
It reminds me of a line of paper dolls. The old fashioned ones that you make from one sheet of paper and that form a chain. They sprawl out, looking identical and lovely, but they are all linked together. They can never stray too far from the original. I’m a good student. I will do well in whatever I choose to do. But what if I get to far from my original? The girl who smiles now for fun? What if I can’t keep her?
So the next week or two will be a performance. A show that I put on that says I am one hundred percent ready to graduate college. In reality, I am so much not ready. But if I fake it until I make it, eventually I will be that big fish.