I’m having a moment right now as I try to fall back asleep, one where I am plagued with fear. Of what you ask?
See, I’m getting to this point now where I feel comfortable in my life. That is completely due to school. My professors, my classes, the work I do on campus. I have a niche where I lacked one for so long. My professors have been a saving grace for me in so many ways-academically, emotionally, everything. There are many things that are difficult, but I’m dealing with them. I’m dealing because I’m comfortable. Because I’m accepted.
Everything that I am CRAVES the idea of going to grad school. Everything. But there’s that part of me that isn’t ready to leave. That isn’t ready to jump into the lion’s den. That isn’t ready to find out if I really can have my own life, if I can overcome, if I can rebuild, on my own. If I can be my own person without him.
This, here, is what I know. I don’t know how to leave it. And in the process of trying to juggle my baggage and juggle my semester, I suddenly have this fear. I fear that I won’t be okay. That I won’t make it. That I am not good enough to have my own life.
People come to me for advice. About writing, applying to grad school, passing undergrad…I feel like they shouldn’t. Because I’m breaking down. I should feel good that I’m prepared. That I have the answers. But I don’t. I don’t feel good at all. I just feel scared.
I am starting to be good here. Be okay. But what if I DO get in? What if that doesn’t transfer over? What will I do then, incredibly removed from everything I have ever known?
What if I’m not ready to graduate? What if I screw this all up? What if I’m nothing without him?
The fear is paralyzing. Can’t eat, can’t sleep, going to melt, paralyzing.
Cue the nervous freakout.