Six months today. Checking in. How are you holding up? Doing okay? Moving forward?
I’m stuck. Moving in circles. I’ve gone as far as I can go with this and I don’t know how to go any further. I don’t know what else I’m supposed to do. It’s scary. Life is scary.
Do you need to?
I don’t know. Do I?
You’re the only one who can answer that question.
I don’t feel normal.
What is that? Normal? Does it matter? You go above and beyond expectations. You shouldn’t be here, and here you are. It’s amazing. You’re amazing.
There are too many things I don’t understand. Too many boundaries that have been broken. Things that I can’t ever touch again. And I can’t be touched. Ever. Today I broke. As in. Completely cracked. I swore that I wouldn’t let that happen and it did.
What does it matter? Do you think people will even remember?
Probably. I would remember. I’m flustered. I’m embarrassed. I knew it would happen eventually. I’m surprised it took so long. I’m so mad at myself. It shouldn’t have happened. I shouldn’t have let it happen.
It isn’t your fault, you know. What happened. You know that, right?
If you don’t, you should. God. Give yourself some bloody credit already.
For what? What have I done other than fall apart over something ridiculously stupid? I’m a compete idiot.
You’re anything but an idiot.
Stop it. That’s ridiculous. I freaked out. I lost it. I can’t hack it.
You stop it. You survived and you’re here and you’re fighting. And it’s scary, yes. But that doesn’t mean that you can’t hack it. It doesn’t mean you’re supposed to give up. Because if you haven’t given up before, you can’t start now. And you won’t. You know you won’t.
I can’t do this. Damn it. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. I just want to be normal. I just want to be a student. I want to be free of these things. I can’t walk around and pretend to be okay and not know if something completely and unexpectedly dumb is going to trip me up. I can’t. Can’t.
Yes you can. You can, and you will. Because you’re stronger than that. You’re stronger than giving up. There is no normal. And you’re right. You don’t know. You don’t know when something like today will happen. But look at you.
Look at you. It happened, and it’s done, and you’re past it. You’re through it. You’re on the other side.
It’s okay to not always be okay. It’s okay to break once in a while. It’s okay to feel.
That’s okay too.
I don’t want to do it anymore.
Feeling means you’re alive. You’re coming back. You’re going to be okay.
I’m going to be okay.
Let’s start again. Six months today. Checking in. How are you holding up? Moving forward?
I’m sort of a little proud of me. Maybe. A little.
It’s about damn time.