We all have our blanks in life. If I had done ________, ________ wouldn’t have happened. ________ is the reason for everything. Today I had a very interesting discussion regarding this phenomena. My example: If my son wouldn’t have died, my marriage wouldn’t have either; I don’t know why he died and therefore all of these events must be my fault.
I was told that this statement is, in a way, dishonoring his memory. Rather than remembering him for the baby he was, I am choosing to place blame on him for something that was in no way his fault. It is easier to do this than to place the blame where it really lies. I can logicize (yes, I created that word) the dissolution of my marriage in its entirety: I carried Carter; Carter died; there were no more children; the essence of our marriage became filled with anger and bitterness; the marriage dissolved. It started with my son; it ended with me leaving. Regardless of the events in between, I can trace a clear path of fault back to myself. I’m not saying that this is rational or correct. I’m simply saying that I can see how others, my ex specifically, could have arrived at this conclusion and used it to justify their actions. I don’t know that I truly believe this statement. I do believe that I just plain don’t have any other rational off which to form a basis for opinion. If I stray away from this idea, I begin to see things for what they really were. Would my marriage have been any better had Carter lived? Probably not. Was it good before his death? Not particularly.
Where does the fault lie? Is it with anyone in particular? Or was this dissolution a community effort? Power in a relationship is supposed to go both ways, but sometimes that doesn’t happen.
This comes back to Michel Foucault’s four main tenets regarding power: it is exercised from many different points, it’s repressive but also productive, it can come from the top down as well as the bottom up, and where power is found there is always resistance. In class, the example that we used was that the professor has power because it is given to them; as students we know that the professor is responsible for our grades, and therefore we put power on them. However, we can choose what we do with that knowledge and how much power we give by choosing whether or not to show up to class and working hard to earn said grades. While the professor has the power to give grades, as students we have the power to earn them. In the essay “The Subject and Power,” Foucault states that “Power is exercised only over free subjects, and only insofar as they are free. By this we mean individual or collective subjects who are faced with a field of possibilities in which several ways of behaving, several reactions and diverse comportments, may be realized. Where the determining factors saturate the whole, there is no relationship of power; slavery is not a power relationship when man is in chains.” When you tie a person down, or tie them into a relationship, it is a display of power. It is not, however, true power. Holding one down in an effort to force your will upon them is not power at all; it is trying to make up for a lack. When person completely takes over another, it only illustrates that they have no real power themselves. Once the chains are gone, the slave is free to leave; it is their choice then as to whether or not they choose to go.
I don’t believe my former relationship could have been considered a “free” relationship. I allowed him to make a lot of the decisions. I followed, I was obedient, and I served. I allowed his factors, his needs, to overshadow mine a large portion of the time. This was a decision I made because I knew no better. At the time, I thought I was doing what I was supposed to do. I didn’t see another way. I gave him power, and while I had the power to leave I chose not to take it. Until one day, I did. It had nothing to do with Carter at all, but rather it was a decision that I made because I had to for my own sanity. Where he had tried to force power upon me and failed, I displayed legitimate power in leaving. A marriage is supposed to be a relationship of equality, of both give and take; it shouldn’t be about one partner forcing the others’ hand.
All this to say, the human mind does not like to deal with blanks. We do the best we can to fill them in, regardless of the consequences mentally. The unknown is scary; we find ourselves in need of answers. But maybe those answers don’t always exist. I can’t place the blame for the destruction of that which was already sour on the shoulders of a child who did nothing to deserve it. The blame rests in the fact that I had power I chose not to exercise, in the fact that I allowed the illusion of power to fool me.
The blame rests in the fact that that illusion even existed in the first place.
Perhaps a blank just means that some things are meant to end.