Living, After

(italicized song lyrics from ‘Blue’ by Angie Hart)

Night falls, I fall.

It’s dark out; I cross the parking lot.  I stay with the pack.  My car is right where I left it, in the front row, bathed in the light from the overhead lamp.  But there’s a shadow; something moving around the rear bumper.  Something is there.  I stop breathing and sink down towards the ground, my bag of supplies spilling behind me.  Someone catches me, an arm on the back of mine.

And where were you?

Trigger.  My eyes roll back in my head.

And where were you?

It plays inside my mind like a movie I can’t turn off.

Warm skin, wolf grin, and where were you?

The warmth, the teeth, the grin that burns like a predator about to feed on its prey.  Every nerve cell in my body alerts.

I fell into the moon and it covered you in blue.

To disappear inside my head is like being swallowed up by the moon, huge, all encompassing, and wild.  There is no way to know when it will happen.  There is no way to stop it; there is no easy way to come back out.  It has to happen on its own.

I fell into the moon.

I know nothing of the world around me.  No light, no sound, no touch.  Only darkness.  Only the movie that plays across my mind.  The movie that can not be articulated, that cannot be shared.

Can I make it right?

The only right thing would be the before.  There is nothing right about after.

Can I spend the night?

Reality is stripped away.  I yearn for my own place, my own being.  I will forever have to share with this other entity, this memory inside.

High tide, inside, the air is dew, and where were you?

People snap their fingers.  Try to bring me back.  They get scared at the lack of response.  They panic.

While I, I died, and where were you?

The experience prior to this after deadens everything.  They don’t understand that.  And why should they?  They’ve never been lost.  They’ve never lived after.  It isn’t their fault.  It’s mine.  Mine for not being better.  Mine for not being able to control it.  Mine for not fighting back.

I crawled out of the world and you said I shouldn’t stay.

It must be scary to be on the other end.  I can only assume, as I don’t remember.

I crawled out of the world.

When I wake up, I’m in the back of an ambulance.  Hell.

Can I make it right?

They can’t make me better.  I am not as crazy as I must appear to them.  But I can’t make it stop.  There is no easy fix; there is no magic button that will make what happened right.  That will stop it from happening again.   That will make it before.  The universe does not rewind.  We only move forward.  We are forever after.

Can I spend the night alone?

I’d pay for just one moment of alone-time in my head.  Just one.  One moment where I don’t think about it, about him.  It rarely comes.  These are the emotional ramifications that come with living after.  It’s hard, it’s painful, and it feels like it will never end.  It may not.

It would be easier to disappear.

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23 thoughts on “Living, After

  1. readerc says:

    you write as both the observer and the victim. I hope you prevail. I feel this pain and have learned not to react as strongly to triggers. thank you for share.

  2. erin says:

    Wow. So powerful. I hope you get that time, soon.

  3. erin says:

    Wow. So powerful.

    I hope you get that time, soon.

  4. lalarukh1 says:

    Lovely words…..I must say pearls ! Loved reading it !

  5. pearl says:

    Hey Girl!

    It was gripping the way You wrote and spine chilling too!
    The conjunction.. You said it all without saying any!


  6. “We are forever after” — I absolutely love that

  7. Powerful and prevailing; hoping you can cage the beast, forevermore.

  8. ctdub74 says:

    Such courage facing it and feeling it; holding it so close despite the discomfort and the pain. May wouldn’t or couldn’t. You’re already demonstrating a purpose worthy of enduring such a experience. Give yourself a chance to find out how strong you are. We always forget that the least forgiving eyes peer back at us from inside the mirror. It’s tough to remember that the space behind those eyes is YOUR domain. There will be ghosts and monsters under the bed and the shadow of the boogieman will persist. But it’s yours to reclaim. You may not find redemption or resolution, but neither of those are likely to help much. The only thing that matters is not sinking into sorrow and hatred. Remember that there can be no life without balance. You can balance this weight. The universe “HAS” to help you. Those are the rules. You are owed…..

  9. Thank you for sharing this. It takes a lot of guts to make your pain public. You are a beautiful writer. Your strength comes through and it’s inspiring. Thank you.

  10. Stargirl says:

    Very powerful, and accurate. Thank you for writing this.

  11. Awesome and gripping!

  12. Beautifully written. Thank you for sharing, it is very brave of you.

  13. theduffboy says:

    As a man who was not undergone trauma like this, I can only say that I empathize, for my sisters all around the world who have (brothers as well). May you find comfort soon.

  14. Apenyo says:

    My mind won’t cooperate, so I have nothing better than: wow, thank you for your bravery and openness. Now other hurting people can see this and commiserate and maybe not feel so alone.

    Keep writing.

  15. the depth of your prose poetry is striking. You’re onto something with your concept/genre. Keep on. – Renee

  16. Kitty Cat says:

    Hauntingly beautiful

  17. You have the gift of bringing words to life. Treasure it, enjoy it, enhance it.

  18. Very gripping and beautiful!

  19. limseemin says:

    Wow a good post! Do check up ny blog too and follow. Haha

  20. cchicanery says:

    This was too good!! loved it !

  21. I am overwhelmed and *almost* unable to comment, but I must. It is an incredible post, haunting, full of emotion, simply excellent.

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