To Prove I CAN Be Funny

To prove I can also write funny things, here is an entry I wrote from the long ago land of MySpace entitled “Attention Walmart Shoppers.”  Yup, I worked there too, before I knew better.  I think this was from 2003 or so?


As the majority of the people who read my blog know, I work at Walmart.  And Walmart is evil.

No, seriously, I need to vent, and I have a few things that some people in this world REALLY need to know.

I’ll start with cashiering, which will probably be a good portion of the entry, because that’s what I did today.

First off?  Cashiers are people too.  We are not your servants, made to do your bidding.  We spend all day on our feet, scanning YOUR groceries, until we are ready to fall over–and we come back for more absolutely every single day.  We are, for the most part, ordinary people with ordinary families and ordinary lives…JUST LIKE YOU.  There’s absolutely NO EXCUSE for some people to treat cashiers the way that they do.  Just because we check out your groceries and such does NOT make us inferior beings.  If anything, it makes us SUPERIOR for putting up with the lot of you.

And now for a few more things y’all need to learn:

If you are writing a check, please have the check filled out beforehand.  I mean, when you pull into the parking lot, you OBVIOUSLY know where you are shopping.  The date?  Guess.  As for your signature…well, if you don’t know your own name, then you have a BIG problem.  For gosh sakes, have your identification ready!  When the cashier asks to see your driver’s license as you present your check, it is for your OWN protection.  We just want to make sure that it’s really YOU that’s using your checkbook, and not some moron who wants to steal your money.  I suppose if you’re up for having all of your money stolen, then by all means, don’t show an ID.  Heck, if you’re stupid enough to refuse the protection we’re offering you, then…Whatever.  The same thing goes for signature credit cards.  If you’re not going to sign it, or if you’re going to (and ESPECIALLY if you’re going to) write See ID on the back of it, then you had BETTER have your ID, and you better not be cranky when you have to get it out.  You should have it READY.

If you are writing a check from a different state, then I will need to get it approved, REGARDLESS of whether or not you have shopped in our store before.  I don’t care how long you’ve lived in this state, or how often you shop in our store.  I NEED TO GET APPROVAL.  If that check goes into our accounting office, and it’s an out of state check, without a CSM’s (customer service manager) signature, I will quite possibly lose my job.  On most days, I like my job.  And I want to keep it.  So I am GETTING approval, and that is the end of the story.

Please keep in mind, especially with a store the size of mine, that I do not know where everything is.  I don’t know where HALF of our stuff is.  Just because I work there does NOT mean that I know everything.  Sure, I know a lot…*takes a bow*…but not THAT much.  I know my department, and the places that I work, like the back of my hand.  I know bits and pieces of the rest.  I WILL help you find someone who DOES know, but you might have to wait a little longer.  Suck it up and deal with life like the rest of us!  Isn’t it worth it to have an answer, even if you have to wait an extra minute?  Yeah, I thought so. 

Just because I am your cashier does not make me God.  I do not write the schedule.  I don’t agree with it most of the time, that much is for sure.  If I am the only cashier out on the floor, that is not my fault.  Walmart is cheap.  They’re cutting labor.  So SUE ME, for pities sake!  I do not take the schedule and magically erase all of the other cashiers.  The managers make the schedule.  If you have a problem with it, call 1-800-WALMART.  Please.  Call.  It would make my day.

Walmart DOES match competitor’s ads.  However, we do it as a favor to YOU, the customer.  So don’t take advantage of it.  You can’t expect us to match an item if it’s not the exact same thing.  We do the price matching as a favor to you.  Take the extra effort, and find the exact same item.  We don’t honor buy one get one frees from other stores, or percent off coupons from other ads.  Take the gift we’re giving you, and accept it.

If I am going home, I don’t want to stop and talk to you.  Notice that my vest is hanging over my arm, and I am walking out the door.  I am not on the clock.  I have worked nine hours, and I am LEAVING THE STORE.

If you are drunk, I am not going to sell you alcohol.  If you appear to be under the age of thirty, and cannot provide a government issued ID, I am not going to sell you alcohol.  If you harass me about this, I will call security and have you removed from the store.  You guys know the rules.  Enough is enough.  I didn’t make the laws, I just obey them.  Same thing for cigerettes.  We can only sell them off of one register now.  I didn’t make the rule, I’m just following it.  It’s not my problem.  If you want to make it YOUR problem, then, again, call 1-800-WALMART.

Also, one last thing.

If you bring something with you up to the checkout, then BUY IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Don’t decide you don’t want it at the last minute.  And KNOW HOW MUCH MONEY YOU HAVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Don’t bring up more than you can afford.  If in doubt, guess low, check out, and then go back and get more.

If you’re having a bad day, I’m truly sorry.  HOWEVER, that doesn’t mean you can take it out on me.  I will listen, I will play the bartender, but I will NOT take your bull.  I am a person too.  I am me, I am an individual, I am a PERSON.  So treat me like one.

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